Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
