I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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