You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
