The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Randomize
