He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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