Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
