I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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