this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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