Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
