just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
