It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
