Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
someone owes me an orgasm
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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