You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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