I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
