at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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