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• (586): View more from Michigan

  1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night

  (586): View more from Michigan

  2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street

  (586): View more from Michigan

  3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call

  (586): View more from Michigan

  So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you

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• (718): View more from New York

  My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.

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• (253): View more from Washington

  dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool

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• (914): View more from New York

  Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!

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• (619): View more from California

  His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

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• (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.

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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

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• (339): View more from Massachusetts

  I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.

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• (613): View more from Ontario

  He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....

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• (239): View more from Florida

  Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you

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• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You just get me

  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.

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• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.

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