I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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