Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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