She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
