Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
