You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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