I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize