i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
