filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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