I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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