Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
