she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
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