If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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