i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
