We won't sleep together?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
