ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
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