She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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