do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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