I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize