I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just cropdusted the office
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
