My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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