Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
