the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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