Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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