I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
