I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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