Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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