the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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