Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
