I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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