WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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