I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
