Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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