When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
