mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
