So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
