We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
