I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
