I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
