I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
