Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
