Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize