Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You were trust falling into bushes
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