why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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