So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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